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Powerball, marijuana, and jerry sandusky

Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

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@zoeythegreat

I may not have won Powerball with this ticket, but I did buy a fine piece of paper to wrap my discarded chewing gum in.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can’t decide what’s scarier, someone scrolling through the pictures on my iPhone or someone scrolling through my Google search history.

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@chopshopzak

I’m pretty sure the Internet would shut down if Kristin Stewart had lunch with Kim Kardashian at Chick-Fil-A while holding a cute puppy.

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@meganamram

Marijuana is gateway Spanish

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@Cllnsn

I’m worried that staying indoors all day will make Julian Assange look pale and creepy.

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@ShawnGarrett

Jerry Sandusky is writing a book in prison. The working title is: “Hop On Pop (Warner Football)”.

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@alexblagg

A great way to mess with someone’s head is to not return any of their texts or emails, but “like” everything they post on the Internet.

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@dangranata

Avengers 2: Avengerer #AvengersSequelNames

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@BorowitzReport

People are trashing Facebook because its stock has dropped to $19, but that’s still pretty good for something that’s worthless.

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@notzuckerberg

Decided to diversify beyond just woeful Facebook stock. Just got a sweet deal on RIM shares in advance of BlackBerry’s impending resurgence.

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@ChristianLipski

Avengers 2: More Of That Shawarma #AvengersSequelNames

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@DannyZuker

This morning my wife called me a misogynist for no reason but she’s probably just having her period.

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